Invitation to write about my dating experience

Preface - my lovely friend Jenna wrote an amazing piece on her experience of dating (check it out here! http://jennkofe.blogspot.com/2015/05/on-dates-dating-and-more-dates.html ) and she invited me to spill my thoughts on the subject. Mine is kind of a response to hers, so it would make much, much more sense if you read hers before you read mine. Please do.

But without further ado, my thoughts.

Dating. The topic that everyone secretly wants to talk about but no one wants to hear about. Lucky for us Jenna decided to write something about it and that’s how this post came to be. I sort-of invited myself to throw in my two cents and Jenna kindly invited me to write out my thoughts. So, yeah.

Like Jenna’s disclaimer: These are my thoughts and opinions, based off of my personal experience. My dating history summed up – 6 dates from ages 16-18, 6 dates my first semester at BYU, and then I’ve been in 9 relationships in the 3.5 years I’ve been home from my mission with many, many first dates (and very, very few second dates) in between those. Just to give you a background. So you can see, although I grew up in California, most of my dating experience has been shaped by BYU and Provo culture. (Yes, there is a distinct culture associated with dating at BYU – them weirdos!)

Dating is a taboo topic, and usually something to this effect comes up in every conversation I have about it – “Dating sucks. I’m sorry!” I’ve heard this statement from married people, single people, people in relationships, people fresh out a relationship, people not looking to get into a relationship. I don’t understand how this would be encouraging. We’re told that dating is SUPPOSED to be fun, it’s SUPPOSED to be about getting out and meeting new people, having fun, socializing, and enjoying time with someone of the opposite gender. But when the people you love, trust, and go to for advice tell you that “Dating sucks” – it makes it difficult to have a civil, genuine, and honest discussion on the topic. Hence, I’d like to give my perspective of what I think about dating (even when we go through the phase of “Dating sucks!) and what I’ve learned.

Some points on what dating should be:

1.      Fun! First, second, and third dates (maybe more, depends on the people and the situation) should be easy-going, relaxing, entertaining, adventurous… you get the picture. In any case, the whole point is to get to know the person better in a comfortable environment and in different situations that you wouldn’t have in a normal, daily routine. Not crazy, lengthy, marathon dates. Please. Don’t do a marathon date. Those are for people in relationships or a big group of friends who are all comfortable with one another. That’s about it.

2.      A chance to ask questions and listen, learn, and have good conversations. I enjoy deeply those conversations that just spark your interest and get your brain going. There’s something about that light in someone’s eye when you’re talking about a subject you both love, find interesting, or have theories and want to discuss what you’re thinking. But you need to listen, and you have to give the other person a chance to listen as well. One-sided conversations are no Bueno – it’s just awkward.

3.      When it comes to being more serious in a relationship, a chance to discuss what qualities, aspirations, and goals that you have. Y’all should have the opportunity to get on the same page or at least work towards getting on the same page.

4.      Genuine! Be yourself. If you really like something, let them know! If you don’t, let them know! If you’re not comfortable with something or someone, it’s not right.

Overall, looking back at these points, it’s all about interpersonal communication. You have the chance to develop a friendship and work from there.

Some points on what dating shouldn’t be:

1.      First and second dates shouldn’t feel like an interview that you are being graded on. It’s an opportunity to get to know someone. They might have had a bad or off day! Be willing to give people a chance. Unless the guy or gal is creepy. Then don’t.

2.      Showing off. No need to bring out the ego and not be yourself. It’s okay to be your best self, just don’t go overboard.

3.      A contest. It’s not about the hottest girl or the cutest guy. Looks are literally skin deep. It’s not about being the most creative. Please don’t make it a comparison. It’s not a sin to graduate from college and not be married. Most of my friends are married, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure. Just that I’m at a different stage in life.

4.      First and second dates shouldn’t feel like you’re going to be seriously dating the person and marrying them. It’s a chance to socialize and get to know someone. 

5.    And please, don’t go watch a movie on a first, second or third date. That’s just tacky. You can’t get to know the person better by watching a movie. Maybe the only justification would be seeing something you were both interested in and wanted to have a discussion about it afterwards.

Jenna’s next portion of her post is spot-on. I whole-heartedly agree with her categories. I’d like to add some more though.

“The ‘Any two good people can get married and be happy’ perspective”

There’s a quote that’s often taken out of context by Pres. Spencer W. Kimball in a 1976 address called “Oneness in Marriage.” It goes like this – “any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”

The whole quote should be this: “ ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”

Why am I pointing out the difference? President Kimball states that we should seek (by prayer and with diligence) the mate who is most compatible and will bring the most happiness into our lives. I feel like some people jump to the end of the quote and find someone who will work or they’re okay with marrying. Not necessarily the best match, but it’s a relationship that will work out.

            The “I’m going to work, find my career, and then worry about marriage” perspective

This used to be aimed mainly at men, but now and now it’s becoming a perspective adopted by both genders. These people want to be able to have a stable foundation before worrying about marriage and supporting a family. Dating is a secondary objective, and not very important. The rest is self-explanatory.

Anyway, I’m running out of mental juice and I’m starting to ramble. Feel free to throw in your two cents! Maybe the more we approach dating, the more we can make it an acceptable topic and not something everyone stresses out about. A lofty goal, but maybe attainable!

Regards –

SoCalDWat

Why we love to hate villains

So I'm not going chronologically in order of my bullet points, oh well. Just as I was complaining about former accountants of our clients that I have to recreate their tax returns and did who knows what in a very unorganized manner. Deal with it.

My mom and I were cleaning the church building on Friday night. Ha, yeah, that was my Friday night. It was some good time spent with my momma and my own thoughts. I was thinking about roles of people and how they impact our lives when I started thinking about villains. I don't know why, but that was the gist of my thought process. Anyways, I think I figured out why we love to hate villains. It's simple! We're jealous! They have the excuse and the ROLE to do things to stupid people that we secretly would like to do, but can't due to moral, social, and cultural obligations. Mostly due to the obligations of our conscious, but yeah. I hope you read into the humor of that. I know it's hard to convey through text, but yeah, that was supposed to be funny. :P

I was talking with a friend about life and motivations we have to do things. I mentioned how I'm a very risk-averse and how I've been trying to work on learning to take better risks that I don't have to be so calculating on. That it's healthy to take risks and lose on them occasionally. I guess one of the roles I've taken on to protect myself is to always take a very calculated risk in my decision making process. From what you may ask? That's a very good question. From criticism? From being prideful? Arrogance? The plain idea of always being right? The perception others might have of me? From myself? I dunno. That's just me thinking in written word. (HA! Since I can't think out loud on a blog... haha.) This role of critical thinking and analysis in risk taking has helped me develop heavily a logical approach to life.

Another role I've often created for myself is to be the "laughing stock" of a group. Where I've accepted and made it socially acceptable for other's to jokingly (or otherwise) make fun of me. Most of the time it's imagined or fake qualities or things I haven't done, occasionally it's not. I guess that's kinda the way I thought I would fit into a group without being on the side of overbearing or controlling. I never realized what it actually meant to me that I was often being made fun of. Maybe it helped me learn humility or let go of parts of my ego and pride. I dunno. I just realized how much I don't miss being in that position of a friend group.

Being a Resident Assistant created a very unique role in my life. I could access my emotional side but it allowed me to keep it very much in check. I was able to gain a position of confidence with those I worked with, both residents and coworkers. I appreciated the trust and honestly others would place in me as they talked to me about their life and things going on. I don't want it to seem like I was being manipulative, cunning, or calculating in my approach here. Quite the opposite actually. The life of a RA is quite the opposite if you ask many who choose to work in those positions. There is absolutely no way you can plan and take calculated risks with emergencies and life decisions that others faced around you. You have to fly around by the seat of your pants most of the time, putting out figurative fires as they appear. With 60+ residents and on top of that, co-workers, friends, church members, there is no rest for the weary. Yet being a RA allowed me to be emotional and connect with people. I could open myself in a way that I couldn't do in a logical or an analytic manner. It was safe for me to do that in this role. It was expected of me and something that others required of me so that I could help them. It gave me an excuse above all to do that. (On the flip side, it also gave me the excuse to follow rules and persuade others to follow rules. :P ) Being a RA let me develop my emotional self on a small level that my other roles would not allow or help with.

Now these aren't all the roles I've had in my life. I could talk about being a missionary (another opportunity I had to learn to be emotional), an athlete, scholar, teenager, college student, accounting major, LDS (Mormon), among many others. Don't get me wrong, I think the roles we play in our own lives and in the lives of others are very significant and can be good, positive, and necessary. In my case, I've created so many roles in my life it's gotten to the point where I just switch between them depending on the current situation. Well, I have taken steps to be more myself and the man behind the roles, but it's a process of breaking down habits and walls that I've built up over years and years. Being home in California has given me that opportunity to do that. It's a new sphere that I've been introduced into. New coworkers, new church congregation, new friends. Not gonna lie, it's as scary as hell not to slip into the roles I've created for myself.

Something else my friend and I mentioned about risk taking. Sometimes we would (and I guess still do to a point) plan out conversations before they happened, especially if it was on the phone. She even mentioned writing out a script in case it went to voice mail (GUILTY!! I've done that!!) and it couldn't be truer. Although I am proud to admit that I'm doing a much better job about not planning conversations and letting them happen as they normally would. Sometimes I kick myself afterward for not doing something or saying something that I originally wanted to, but that's okay.

Back to the roles though, there's a time and place for them. I believe they are appropriate and helpful. The moral of this post is that we shouldn't live by our roles. The roles shouldn't control what we do.
We shouldn't only constrain ourselves to defined roles that we've been assigned or created for ourselves. That's living a reactionary life. Live, learn, and act. Do something. Take responsibility. Be someone. Be who Heavenly Father wants you to be.

The one role you should always play as your safeguard and main position is yourself. Your fears, worries, emotions, logic, intelligence, strengths, weaknesses, spiritual-ness (or lack thereof) should always be the foundation. This foundation can grow and change. The weaknesses can become strengths. The fears, worries, and anxieties can be overcome. The lack of spiritual-ness can be conquered. It isn't an excuse to falter or fall back. The atonement (the suffering, death and resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ) can give you strength to move and act. To make decisions. Heavenly Father loves you very much. He wants to help you. Through the Holy Ghost, Heavenly Father will guide you to where you need to be. The teachings of Jesus will help you to move along the right path, and if you've fallen away, help you back. There's a love there that I do not comprehend, but I know that the love exists. Unconditionally. Don't be afraid to love God. He loves you first. You just have to love back. It's there. Just reach for it.

That's what I'm working on. Learning to love. Learning to let that into my life. It's there. Just go for it. Be scared, it's okay. Just have faith. Science is good, true and necessary. But have faith.

"You won't find faith or hope down a telescope.

You won't find heart and soul in the stars.

You can break everything down to chemicals.

But you can't explain a love like ours."

The Script got this right. I may not be able to explain love, but it's there. I know it's out there somewhere. Just gotta find it. Maybe she's out there somewhere waiting to teach me. Maybe I'm being taught. I dunno. Live, learn, act. And learn to love.

SoCalDWat

tl;dr? Roles in our lives can help us move through difficult times, but we shouldn't build our lives on those roles. Otherwise, these roles begin to control us. We've got to have faith in Christ that He can help us be ourselves. Emotions and Logic can co-exist, just like Faith and Science. Just give it a shot.

Taxes and Surfing - a way of life?

Surf's up dudes!

Well, the title of the post doesn't really have much to do with what I wrote. I'll make that a point to write about though! It's been a year and a half or so since my last post. Life has changed a lot during that time period in some ways, and in other ways, not so much. I'm making a list of things I want to touch on in the near future. Being home in California has helped me think over a few things that I've been meaning to understand better. Funnily enough, most of the points I wanted to talk about I realized that The Script (a band) talks about in their songs.

-- Why The Script isn't just a fling anymore but my new favorite artist (not band but artist)
-- Why does being in California feel so much different than being in Utah
-- How I've successfully created "roles" for myself that help me feel comfortable in situations (especially social ones) and how these self-defined "roles" help me but also detract from life
-- What being comfortable in my own skin means to me and the relation that has to the Savior's 2nd great commandment of loving thy neighbor as thyself.
-- Connecting emotions and analysis, belief and knowledge, science & faith
-- Developing relationships, both relationships that are defined as friendship and romantic interests


I honestly don't know how I'm going to talk about all these. I might just randomly talk about 1 point or just ramble and talk about all of them. Really I just wanted to write those down so I wouldn't forget about them and kind of force myself to write it out and think about it as words in front of me. Sometimes the thoughts in our heads don't always seem so nicely laid out when they are written in words, and sometimes the jumble in our heads come out like poetry. You never know.

Just to catch everyone up on where I'm at in life. I'm back home in California living with my parents for a few months while I'm doing an internship with King, King, Alleman & Jensen, CPA. It is actually my second internship with them as I did a month-long one over the summer. Having a break from school is so nice--Senioritis is real and dangerous. Just saying. I have one more semester to finish my bachelor's degree in Accounting at Brigham Young University. I'm attending a Young Single Adult ward out in Santa Clarita since that's where my work is and where I'll spend most of my time. Not to mention that the YSA ward in my home stake is actually twice the distance. *[In non-LDS lingo see bottom of post]. Thankfully, I was introduced to some members of the ward through a college friend and they've done a wonderful job of helping me feel included in their group of friends and inviting me to activities and what-not. Seeing as I didn't know anyone of the ward previously, this was certainly a huge blessing. Being introverted usually doesn't help you make new friends. Haha.

Mike and I pitched in together to buy a car this past summer. It's a '98 Chevy Malibu (and yes, it's white, we bought it in Utah. Whadda ya expect?) and it's in pretty good condition! We've put a couple thousand miles on it already (A couple trips from Utah to California) and we love having it. I kept it here in Utah, so I'll pay Mike for his share while I have it since he can't use it up there.

Theoretical plans for the future: Finish my internship sometime in late April, early May, head back to BYU for summer term to take one last class with Mike, take classes for my final semester this Fall (I GRADUATE IN DECEMBER 2015! WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE! WOW!), hopefully get a job offer with KKAJ for full-time work, and yeah. That's about it for now. No girlfriend. Nothing in that department for the future. We'll see as time goes by and I get to know young women in my ward and they get to know me. It's a two-way street and I won't force any relationships to happen. That's just not cool on my part and not fair for her if I tried that.

Anyways. That's about it for now. I'll update my blog appearance and get that more up to speed. Until next time!


TL:DR? I'm going to write more often about life and what I feel about it. I'm at home, doing taxes on an internship, enjoying California, and I'm excited about what the future has in store for me. (Short enough, right?)


** [The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS, Mormons, etc.) has special congregations that let the young single adults (YSA, ages 18-30) meet together so that they can spend time together and learn from one another. The only married members of the ward are the Bishop (think pastor) & his counselors (assistant pastors?) with their wives as they perform the main leadership functions. The 18-30 year old  men and women fulfill all of the other leadership and church responsibilities that normal family congregations have. This places these young adults in opportunities to learn responsibility, ethics, and grow their own testimony as they try to help others come unto Christ as well as lead more Christ-like lives themselves. And then there's the marriage part. The LDS church heavily emphasizes families and their importance, so getting these young adults to do activities together and spend time together increases the likelihood of them getting married. The word "stake" refers to a grouping of congregations placed under the leadership of a Stake President (Think bishop in the Catholic Church) to help maintain church communications, teachings, and doctrine to each congregation.]

Update on Life

Hey!

So life is being very life-like. Busy. Accounting is taking over most of what I do. Including a 4 hour session of working on a presentation due on Friday that we started yesterday. I seem to be fitting things in between accounting rather than having free time. It's weird when I have a moment of free time. And that time itself is usually spent working, doing household duties, football games, intramural Frisbee games, hanging out with friends, spending time with a certain someone, and playing video games with my roommates. And that feels like a fraction of what I want to do. Or have an obligation to do. Here's a generic apology for those who care. I apologize for not being able to prioritize my time and being everywhere I need to be. I'm trying to do the best I can. I ain't perfect yet!!!

Besides that. Yeah. I enjoy hearing from my former residents on their missions and the old friends from wards past. I've just disappeared off the radar for a while. Maybe I'll be back after the good ol' Jr. Core.

Anyways. Love ya

Dave

So... I was going through some of my RA files on my computer, and look what I found! It's a letter my Hall Advisor had me write to myself more than a year ago. At many places, it surprised me at what I said, especially how frustrated I sounded in some places. 'Cause I sure don't remember being that frustrated. I guess memories fade, don't they? As long they're the bad ones, I don't mind one little bit. So here it is!

 "David E. Watson 
26 Heritage Halls #4215
Provo, UT 84604

            Dear Dave,

      Why, oh why did you choose to be a RA? WHY!?!?! After all, you are going to be living with a bunch of freshman. You’ll be living in on-campus housing, and you won’t meet many people your own age. In the ward, it’ll be introductions, learn what a testimony is, learn how to give talks, yada, yada, yada. Where is YOUR spiritual progression going to be? Are you even going to get much out of going to church besides what you study and what you teach? You will have to deal with a bunch of immature, apathetic freshmen, who care nothing more than to goof off and pretend that they are at EFY. That’s it! You’ll have a few cool guys, of course, but the majority? Good luck with that. And you will have to plan programs for them and try and get them interested in actually being college students and not high school students. You’ll have to deal with guys not paying attention to visiting hours and breaking the hours over, and over, and over again. Along with every other rule. How much of it will you be able to take before you go crazy?
        But, you know what? Here’s the answer—being a RA is the opportunity of a lifetime. You will probably never again have the chance of being a positive influence on the lives of so many. Each of those guys will see you in a different light. Some, as an authority figure. Others, as a spiritual leader. Yet more who will see you as a great friend. You have the chance to change the course of these freshmen’s lives. But, don’t do it for the glory, or the reputation. Don’t even do it to hear praise. Do it because you want to help these young men become the best they can be and also to help them come unto Christ.
      What else could be more important than bringing souls unto Christ? Maybe these young men are already members of the church. However, most of them are trying to find their testimonies. They need to know the truth for themselves. You can help them find that desire to come unto Christ. In that way, these young men can decide to serve missions and then, in turn, change the lives of countless other people. In a way, you are preparing these young men to serve the Lord. You can still be a missionary, but not to non-members. In strengthening these young men, you are paving the way for these future missionaries to change the course of the world.
       Other benefits? Living close to campus. Having a flexible schedule. BYU is my employer. Even though I have to work on Sundays, it is focused on helping others to come unto Christ. I don’t have to worry about off-campus differences. I get to work with inspired men and women in helping the residents. I get to learn about myself through seeing the actions and character of the inspiring young men that I live with. The end it all off, there will be many moments of serendipity that I can’t even imagine as I enjoy every moment of being a RA! Well, you figure it out. Is it worth it? Definitely yes! The opportunity cost doesn’t outweigh the blessings. Just keep it up. You can do it! Life changes every minute, hour, week, and month. Keep progressing and getting better. Live it, and love it!

 Hasta luego, Jajatopata, Chau,

 Dave" Life update? Accounting program is taking over my life, but I'm learning how to balance it. Social life is good. I've made some good friends. Dating life? Good, I guess. Trying to fit in what I can between accounting, being a RA, and life itself happening. 22 is treating me well though. Let's hope it keeps up! Dave

Sunday After Thanksgiving

Well, guess what? Thanksgiving leftovers are almost gone, and there are 3 MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL!! Until Christmas Break and then I get to go home and surf! Yeah! I guess I should back up a little since I haven't written in a few months.

Summer went really well! I ended up with A-'s in both classes, which wasn't too bad. Life caught up at the end of the semester with check-outs and finals, but I got through it. Yeah! Fall started off pretty well, and has gone well ever since. I am taking Accounting 200 (basic accounting), Econ 110 (basic economics), Stats 121 (basic stats) [ENOUGH BASICS!! :P], New Testament 2, I SYS 100/102, and a RA class. Not too bad and it's only 14 credits. I definitely haven't had to stress out too much in any of my classes. Well, maybe except for Econ. But that's Econ. Haha. I made some really good friends during summer and so far into fall! It's been pretty awesome. The dating scene has been on and off, but I'm not too worried about it. I'm only 21, and there is definitely no rush to get married! None at all.

Well, that's the past couple of months in a nutshell. It's weird to see that so much time can be condensed into a summary that short. Obviously there are more details, but I don't feel like reliving them in order to put them up on the blog. I'd rather keep it to my journal and start from here. Much less time consuming, don't ya think? Anyway, I'll be on this a lot more! Definitely more when I go home for Christmas break to good ol' SoCal and surf the days away with my family. That is, if I can remember how to get up on a surf board!

Todo con una sonrisa,

SoCalDwat

June 22nd - the day after the longest day of the year

Actions, beliefs, morals can transform clay into one of two things: a masterpiece or a twisted mess. Choose - for the Artist waits.

 I didn't know how to start so that's a quote I found looking through old e-mails. It's amazing to see how fast technology has changed! Only a few short years ago, e-mail was the primary mode of communication for long distances. I made a lot of good friends that way. Now, at the shortest 4 years later, e-mail is old and antique. It's so crazy how life moves, evolves and changes. Sometimes I wish life would go back to a simpler time and happier days. Even for all of the modern technology, gadgets and advancements, more and more people seem unhappy with who they are, what they do, or what is happening around us. Maybe it's because I am getting older and I am realizing some of this stuff for myself. New perspective maybe? I don't know. But the goal is to put a smile on and find a way to help other people find the positives in life.

 Life is quite interesting at the moment. I started working as a Resident Assistant at Heritage Halls (BYU Freshman Dorms) and I am absolutely loving it! The new freshman are awesome and super funny. Summer term is going to be a blast with them. My classes are going fairly well, surprisingly enough. I am taking M COM 320, which is a business writing class, and Math 118, a business applied math class. As long as I keep working hard, hopefully I will learn several concepts and practices that will help me get into the Accounting Program. I feel a little behind in the M COM class because I am the youngest guy there, and many of the others are Juniors and Seniors who are ready to graduate. That just means I'll have to work harder! :) That I can do!

 I talked on the phone today with my favorite companion from my mission - Ryan Griffin. He arrived home today!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! WHOA!!!! Time has flown by so quickly! Literally it felt like it was yesterday that I was half a world away sitting next to him in a stake conference listening to President Karra in Ciudad del Este. I can almost feel the heat of that warm summer day. The confused feelings I had. One part of me glad that I was going to be able to come home. Another part broken for the people I was going to leave behind. The culture. The unique and special chance I had as a representative of the Savior to help others come unto Christ and be healed through His Atonement. I still miss my days in Paraguay, but I've learned so much from being home almost 6 months now. I've grown in ways that I don't think it was possible, and other things I know that I still need to work on. Anyway, back to the topic sentence. I am super excited that Ryan is home and that we might get to catch up next week. He's one awesome guy! That's my update for now.

Chaucito!!

SoCalDwat